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:iconrainyfirebreather:
Alright, it's been a while since I've done a critique so I apologize for any crudeness that may be displayed forthwith in advance.

To start I'll explain the stars. I think of the stars as percentages 5 being a hundred and 1 being zero.
For Vision: There was a definitive force of purpose displayed here. From the italicised first sentence to the dialogue near the end. It drove an obscure 'You wish you knew what this was about.' kind of feel to it. This is the very hook and precipice that keeps readers reading. However, I wasn't totally sure where the story left us by the end. It ended in a way that lacks a conclusion, to me at least. (This will be discussed further in Impact.) Very ominous.

For Originality: No one ever gets one hundred percent in this category from me. This therefore bumps down the maximum one could get in this category to four point five. From there I decided that the way in which you poured forth "Just An Idea" was unique and nearly tangible, oozing imagery. Yet, predicable, for a description of a junkie. Summarized: uniquely showcasing a predictable scene.

For Technique: I have a few nit-picks to make. The first one is just a typo in the last line: jut should be just. The other problems I have are opinion based, as is most of this, but crucial to serious writers. I'll start by introducing a quote to you by Stephen King: "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." In other words, don't use so many -ly words so close together. Second to last paragraph in the first two sentences showed me the road he was talking about. (Granted, I had been prior acquainted with it.)

The other thing is your use of brackets (they drove me crazy (mentally insane (I mean institutionalized me))). Sometimes they are necessary, that's a given, but for what you used them it was jarring. Brackets are meant to clarify things and/or add information. I don't like the use of them in stories, because it feels like the author is saying "I'm too lazy to show this to you through the story, so I'll just plop it in there using brackets."
A lot of things where brackets are concerned could be held between a pair of commas instead. An example of this would be the second time you used it.
The first time you used it, it was unnecessary in the whole, that includes the word contained therein.
The last time you used brackets I felt was a real let down. I was reading through an articulate show case of amazing imagery and then "(hope)". I would really like you to go back and show us that/how fear doesn't breed when it can't feed (on hope). Show us through the wonderfully worded writing you're capable of.

Technique continued: I deduct points from a starting one hundred percent. this being so I can not increase your technique score to reflect your beautiful diction and descriptive abilities. I would like to mention its all too significant radiance. You have a peculiar sense and taste of vivid imagery and description that I've seen only once before. It's an ability that defines talent as a writer; a nearly majestic talent of production of the story and scene you hold within your mind.

For Impact: I perceived an eerie, macabre tone that developed nicely with the "oblivious to everything" junkie. Lost and dazed in wreaths of smoke and hallucinations and unknown to her sounds was the power of your continuation from such a magnificent hook. However, I can't give you full marks for this. Combined with my comments on vision and this I feel it does an adequate job on extolling praise for this area. The reason I can't give you full marks for this is that of your ending. It felt abrupt, too sudden, and rather than leaving me wanting more, it left me wondering why it ended. I would give it a couple more sentences on the ending paragraph you set out at the end, just to wrap up the emotion, and really draw into a conclusion.

Summary:

Good points:
Hook
Tone
Diction/articulation
Presentation

Points to work on/exercise:
Brackets
Drawing to a conclusion
Adverbs
Proof reading

I hope this wasn't too rough as I haven't done this in a while.
Sincerely =Rainyhawaii
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconkylethecooldinosaur:
Kylethecooldinosaur Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! honestly, I agree with most of what you said. I actually went back and edited the piece today, taking your advice into account.
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:iconrainyfirebreather:
Rainyfirebreather Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
Wow, thank you so much. Rarely do people actually listen to my advice. (Don't know why) But I'm glad you did. I kind of have a thing against using brackets in stories so, sorry about that. ;) Umm... Yeah, so I was going to comment here something else, but I decided it'd be better in a note, so that one is from me as well. Anyway, thank you for taking my advice, I like it way too much now. :D
Reply
:iconkylethecooldinosaur:
Kylethecooldinosaur Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No problem!
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